"Porch princesses" refuse to settle, finish last

Great article. I believe our breed should start considering broadening our horizon. C

Black love shouldn't be about a marriage though. It should be about commitment, connection, trust, hard work. The marriage should be the after thought as it's just a piece of paper anyway. It's more than enough blacks getting married but how many are truly in love? Marriage is archaic and outdated and is losing its relevance to women who are apart of the post feminist world. Women are getting degrees, getting high paying jobs, and are not finding reliable black men. No one wants to or should want to be saddled to a traditional black marriage with a big fancy pomp and pageantry wedding and then find out you don't really get along which results in a expensive divorce. Love, Relationship, not so much marriage.

Good artical geneva, u know, I really just gave up on our american men, for that same reason. Thanks for a great artical, I. Will forward for more from you on the daily voice.

This article is very refreshing for the 40 something year old, single, african american women who are self significant looking for more that a easy lay. What happen to the old school brothers who were into a long courtship that lead to commitment that the elders in the communities presented as a role model? It is overwelming that this young writer is getting it at such an early age. Keeping in mind that her body is God's temple, sacret,and not for sale. I am so proud of this young writer high level of communication skills. What a promising future personal and professional.Are there any other articles from this writer, please respond.

Well articulated Miss Geneva! Yes, we can maintain principles and have the time of our lives. It is when we fail to uphold these principles that we receive the full penalty of our compromising ways. Principles should never be based in the superficial i.e. he must be this tall, this paid, drive this car, etc. Principles must be based in deep-rooted values that have been established, passed down and are tried and true. I do believe that the porch princesses, warrior princesses and all our believing sisters will find a loving and monogamous relationship that can thrive in matrimony. I hope our brothers desire and commit to the same. Much love, sis.

This is a good aritcal to read for a 15 year old that want too have a good relationship with out sex. Sincerly, Kuphenyia lawrence

"Marriage is archaic and outdated and is losing its relevance to women who are apart of the post feminist world." Yea...I disagree totally Mr. FAMU. Marriage is a sacred bond that few want to take time out of their lives to nurture and preserve. People would rather "get the milk for free" because it's just easier that way. Shacking or "chillin" is less challenging. To be frank, it's not that marriage is archaic. People are just too lazy to stand by its high expectations.

Ms. Geneva, Wow...all I can say is I knew way back in King you were going to be something in life. Your political views and your stance on life was way beyond your years. I admired how you stood up for what you believed in (including the petition you started for something others may have thought was little....you made it big) I'm so very proud of you. Keep up the good work & I love the article sweetie.

Mr. Famu, marriage is not outdated. My son's mother is a wife, not a baby mama. Not only does that show him how much I respect his mother it teaches him to have the same kind of respect. I like that my wife, my children and I all share the same family name. It's not all about the two people involved. It is about the impact on the children as well. Marriage matters. Geneva, take heart sister. It is ok to adjust your standards. But never lower them.

Wonderful article and congratulations again Ms. Thomas. While we (men and Women) continue to look for a love as our creator designed, always believe that your journey is preparation for your blessing. In the meantime, focus on becoming the equal of your blessing so you can be the same blessing to them.

Great article! I agree with everything. You have accurtately diagnosed what is an already exacerbated epidemic among African-American men to initiate and sustain meaningful relationships with their counterparts. However, maybe that is a problem within itself. Consider the paradox of going to a doctor and having him/her diagnose your ailment without prescribing a treatment. You would be frustrated, distraught and perhaps enraged. What solutions are available to these men you have so poignantly critiqued? Consider this ... for the first time in our history African-American men are now seated in positions of power and luxary. We no longer "have" to depend on large, unified families to raise farms (like my mother and father's family), forced to combine incomes to make ends meet, etc. Despite injustices by law enforcement, inadequate schooling, etc. a great number of African-American men continue to excel in various arenas. With this new dynamic a great many of us have taken this new found privledge as a licence to (as you say) "kick it or chill". This is our immature and irresponsible reaction to a new-found freedom. But where are the maturation mechanisms that exist for other facets of our society? Moreover, do they even exist? The Bible says in Luke 12:48 "For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required." Much has been given, a great deal is required. Maybe the question now is: Who will now teach us to handle with care and appreciate that which has been given?

Excellent article Geneva, I wholeheartedly agree!! Also, thank you Jhamal!! You took the words right out of my mouth!!! Geneva, I look forward to reading future articles. You are brilliant!!

Great article. There might also be a discussion about what black women are looking for. In this day and age there are more black women graduating with a 4 yr degree compared to black men. Also black women with a college degree are still managing to reduce and in some cases reverse the black-white wage gap. Hopefully, the progress that black women continue to make from a socio-economic standpoint can rub off on black men. But in the quest for a single, childless, and educated black man - the numbers are just not there. Maybe the notion of the “American Dream” can be a single man that cares about his woman, his family, and his community. Looking at marriage, it would make sense that a black man that meets the above criteria would search longer for a match. Sense a black woman can deliver the white house or the penthouse; we should be very diligent in finding the right one. I was once told that the most revolutionary thing that a black man could do was to get married and stay married. This time the revolution is televised. Maybe the images of Barack, Michelle, and black love will have a positive impact on black men and women as they enter the so called marriage market.

Nina- This was awesome! Specifically I loved:"Perhaps if we took a little and threw away a little(not meaning lowering our standards a little), our standards wouldn't seem so rigidly unreachable.(Shout out to T. Rogers for his entire comment) I am reminded of what my Pastor (SHE is a black married woman of 20yrs with 5 children) recently told me, she said: Wherever you are in life...BE THERE! So in the meantime, before my arrival to the beautiful place of marriage, I will enjoy being that "Young, single, educated and child-less Black woman" because this time is so precious. I won't be wavered by people thinking I'm in the wrong for being the aforementioned. As far as "Porch princesses" refuse to settle, finish last"... Remember: Matthew 20:16

Ms. Thomas, your patois and parlance in this piece are unmatched. Thank you for expressing your innermost thoughts on such a topic, that most men arduous. It always amazes me at how differently some men and women view marriage. While everyone has a different experience, I think what Mr. Swift exclaimed is key, "...always believe that your journey is preparation for your blessing, focus on becoming the equal of your blessing..." All too often, most women want to be swept off their feet and married, but lack spiritual, educational, financial and mental elements that would make a man pull out his broom. When I was in high school, I wanted to be married by my early twenties. Now, as I approach thirty and am not married, it fills my heart with gaiety that I am not. Primarily because I was not ready to be someone's wife though I thought I was. The past four years I started focusing on me and now deem myself to be in a more appropriate and healthier position to utter, "I do." Ms. Thomas, yes you are are a Porch Princess, but Jesus will not have to hold your mule for too long, remember, "...the last shall be first and the first shall be last..." RLJones.

I could write five totally different comments based on your article as it has spurred so many thoughts within me. However, I will just say that this is a great article, that truly captures the emotions of women in their mid 20s (like me) with regard to romantic relationships. I hope more men have the opportunity to read this. Also, to Mr. FAMU, sorry to be so bold, but quite frankly I believe that you are the subject of this article... Great work Geneva!

Marriage may not be outdated but those divorce rates do not lie. It's almost at 60% now a days. You keep thinking that your made up religion and "tradition" are the reasons you need to get married. There are only going to be more divorces down the road. Have you even researched the origins of marriage? Women were seen as property nothing more nothing less and thats why she was exchanged from the ownership of her father to the ownership of her husband. Exchanging one name for another. How many of you MARRIAGE enthusiastic women are going to keep your name? Or have you internalized societies labeling you of inferior and unfit to keep your name?

Great article Miss Geneva! I enjoyed it. I think all too often we as educated Black women think of marriage as status symbol, and end up marrying the wrong person just to be able to say that we are married. I would much rather wait for the right one, and do it the right way. Another thing- I also think that it's very important that we as Black women are very clear with ourselves as well as with the men that we are dating on what our 5 year plans are. Too often we stay in these dating relationships thinking we can change a man after he has already told us that he is not interested in getting married, or starting a family any time soon. We need to remember that it is okay to move on, so that we are availble for the next suitor who may be looking for more of a committed relationship.

Geneva, this article was great and it really hit the bulls eye on the target. I wonder sometimes if I can ever attain the love that many of the old-school matriarchs who raised me have(50+ years of marriage). And the idea of courtship: that was what my great aunt instilled in me and then the so-called dating we endure in the present-day. I do believe you're on to something, "Is the idea of a courtship in 21st century Black female and male relationships an archaic principle in need of an upgrade?"

Hey there! Sound familiar? I work with your mom,who I admire for her raw speech. Seems as though you have the same gift.I want to express how very introspective your article was, and your ability to make your feelings identifiable and personal to many young and "mature" women. It's sad that we have come so far, yet still lost when it comes to the family unit and God's principle of "be fruitful and multiply". I have been a widow for 20 years,and believe me, it ain't just the young men. However, don't give up, and don't give in. God Bless and may He continue to bless the work of your hands.

Did anyone really watch or understand the politics of the most historic election in history? President Obama did not get to the White House based on his love for Michelle or her love for him. Obama got elected for several reasons and let me remind you of them. One, he was a better option than McCain-Palin. Two, he united the Democratic Party by not attacking Hillary's Feminist and Racists attacks. Three, he adopted the "Two America's Theme" and pledged to support the "Anti-endless war Movement." Four, he ran away from race as a Bi-racial. Five, he threw Rev. Wright under the bus. Six, he stood on the shoulders of "Little People" to win. Why is Obama in trouble now? He dissed those little people saying we were fighting for "Childish Things and Petty Grievances." God has a way of humbling the most power of all with the lowest of the low. It has nothing to do with Obama loving Michelle. We loved him and he turned his back on us in code.

I feel that for an 15 year old that this is a good start for me. And knowing more about my African-American culture

Favorite line of the article... "But wait! Don't you want to get to know me first? Well ladies, he may think he knows you because he skimmed through the "About Me" section of your Facebook page." Geneva T. well said! Great article. We should also explore the notion that men have been trying to get away with a whole lot for a long time, but women did not always go for it. Why does it feel like more women are settling for the "Facebook introductions" and all of the above items you mentioned? Instead of creating an "oh no you won't, I know my worth" attitude so that whatever worked on one out of X amount of women won't work on the rest; changing the equation so that the outcome is different.

well said geneva, excellent points made & very poignant subject matter...keep up the good work!

Geneva, this article is great and it relates to so many African Americans that are trying to find someone willing to go the long haul in relationships. Obama and Michelle did not get there over night and people must understand that it takes work, hard work. It is possible to get true unconditional love. I look forward to reading more of your opinions!

Wow, you done made me put on my thinking cap! I totally agree with having morals and expectations for choosing a significant other! BUT what I've come to learn is to be in a Godly relationship, we as women need to let the men find us. We tend to forget that men have the God given right to FIND(ETH) a partner or potential wife. So, in their search, if they don't find what they are looking for and choose not to committ we are left asking ourselves, "What did I do wrong?" or "What is it about me that he didn't like?" What I've come to learn is a man is ready to committ when he is ready to compromise. There is no perfect mate (man or woman)!!!!! Yeah, there are some things that I won't accept BUT so what if doesn't open the car door! What if he holds my hand at the mall or goes for walks in the park? There is a saying that the most we'll get out of a relationship is 80%. Is it that important to neglect the 80% we are getting just to find the 20% that is lacking or can we love the person through the 20%? Remember....there is no perfect 100%!!!!! We must remember also, that we may NOT be everything a man wants us to be BUT the men that are willing to compromise on their wants may do so to be with us, think about it. I don't claim to know it all, these are just my two cents!!! Keep up the good work, G! EE is proud of you! LovEE ya!

I agree with you G, in talking with my friend who is male he said that women are in a spot where the roles are reversed. There are more educated women than educated men in our community. While this may be a statistical fact, the relationship between male and female does not have to have the reciprocal effect. What I mean by that is that just because a black man is in the upper echelon of society and has his choice of educated black women that does not warrant the arrogance that is displayed by brothers once they get into a relationship (i.e the bow down to me because I'm the stuff" kind of mentality). Sure they are commodities among the few of us that were fortunate to make it out of our environments to achieve something better , but so are we (as black women). We as educated black men and women should embrace each other as the valued treasurers we BOTH are. Under that premise we are on level playing ground so let the old skool courtship begin-

maybe if i was straight i'd think differently about marriage? but i simply hate for myself the idea of making something as private as love a public matter or spectacle. nonetheless i support marriage for gays too but only for the political leverage.

Very well written article, I must say I can see that you are truly sincere when write and the emotions come through confidently and almost persuasive!! You almost had me convinced, but, my friend I will not allow you to believe the hype and bathe in the statistics allowing yourself to ensue in this worldly epidemic. I must contest in defense of the Black educated men out here searching adamantly for “the porch princesses”. I personally know a handful of men looking to have “the white picket fence” and the Brownstone in Brooklyn. It’s too often that women (and men) today have an insurmountable level of expectation and when that expectation isn’t met, they often give up on the bliss of a potential commitment. They have THEIR life planned out and they need to be married by a certain age. No one wants to fit into YOUR schedule or “get in where they fit in”, because at this stage, two becomes one and WE formulate a plan. But I want to pose a question, what is a relationship? What are the things people must do to carry on a healthy, sustainable and loving relationship? I personally feel spirituality, tolerance and growth are essential and critical key fundamentals that are needed to endure one of the most sacred commitments of our lives. Where have these things gone? When you build that relationship with God and you eat, drink and breathe off of continuously built faith there is no need to ever question the men or women of God and the promise of marriage, “because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world.” [1 John 4:4]. Marriage still exist in the black community and this is coming from a educated black men who grew up in a dual parent household, mother and father is celebrating 31 years of marriage. My parents raised 5 children where the 3 eldest are already happily married, so my friend….marriage still exist, TRUST, and I will not and will never entertain those statistics that are stemmed from negativity and doubt. But I challenge women that are facing this situation where they find themselves without a companion to question themselves in the most positive way possible. Why are you a “porch princesses”? Stop feeding the negativity into you universe and focus on the greater being, God, and trust that the doubts will cease. - Pillar of Society [Nzimiro O.]

First of all I would like to thank you for acknowledging the crisis that we find ourselves in today as under thirty black females in America. It is my belief not to settle for less, if you require a prince charming then wait until God sends you a prince. The problem is that we (African American females) choices are very limited therefore, stay clean and strong. I greatly appreciate the well thought out article.

Geneva, Excellent article! You've touched on a very thought provoking topic that clearly needs more discussion in the African-American community. I am a newly married young, educated, child-less African American woman who REFUSED to settle. (and YES, I did change my last name but in no way does that mean that I will ever forget who I am and where I came from and I am proud of the fact that one day my husband, children and I will all have the SAME name…and I digress!) While I am still high off of my newlywed "swag", your article reminded me of the challenges that I faced as young, single, educated and child-less Black woman. Several times I was a recipient of the ever-clever line, "I'm feeling you but I'm not looking for a commitment" or the "let's just kick it for now and see what happens". I will admit, it was discouraging at times and called for plenty of "date nights" spent out with the girls but as J. Swift so eloquently put it, my journey was preparation for my blessing. I say this to say that finding the RIGHT MAN for you is not easy…but nothing worth having ever is... "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and plans not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 Can't argue with that...

Great article! Very true. However....as a young 20 something woman, living in this world filled with these sawgg-alious males who obviously know that they are a commodity; its just the reality of our world. Period. My approach to it is act like them....meaning we need not settle or lower our standards by any means. Know that you are a prize as well. So act like one at all times!! In all, very well written and spoken. I think that this is a great insight for our young males. They can see things from our point of view. :-)

Well said Geneva. I truly never understood why a single well-educated women can't stay in a relationship. What boggles my mind even more is why is that men go for the women with 2-3 kids, "baby daddy drama", and a lot of other baggage when women who have their lives together can't seem to attract anyone worthwhile. It is something to think about.

Great read G, so proud of you!

G, Well said. Somewhere there should exist a manual teaching black, savvy, 20'somethings how to date. It should be called: "Having the time of your life, or Pump your brakes." Geneva you are so right. While we are over here with notch turned to the relationship dial, and wired for monogamy eventually hoping to enter into a permanent commitment---- our black male, successful counterparts are having the time of their lives.

Your analysis of the present status of black love is an accurate and disheartening reality. The Post-Traumatic Slave Syndrome continues to affect our ability to relate to one another. Nevertheless, I remain vigilant in my belief in the latter portion of your text. Keeping my back up against the wall. I insist on having faith in my faith. This means that I trust the Universe to deliver requests but more importantly that my singular happiness simultaneously be a reality. I anticipate a future longterm, happy, CONSCIOUS and monogomous relationship with a BLACKMAN in my near future. At the same time, I am enjoying the time that I spend coordinating "self-actualization workshops" where I, alone, am the keynote speaker and the audience. Thank you for your words. Peace.

Wow, I truly appreciate your article. I had to start clapping and laughing as I read it and clearly saw myself in your description of the expectations of a single, educated, equally fabulous African American, 20-something with values! I'm constantly having this conversation with a friend of mine who insists, that instead of holding out for a monogamous relationship, I need to "do what guys do" and "kick it" with a couple of different dudes at once. I have the added complexity of raising a small son in a foreign city, alone; so my dating decisions carry more weight thus, my expectations are a bit higher. I also must admit I'm drawn and inherently wired, I think, for something more long term. But it does seem that the only way to indeed enjoy oneself and 'make it' is to not necessarily relax one's standards but perhaps loosen one's grip on the fairy tale. I'm not really sure. I think we are all adjusting and growing day by day and seeing what happens! The best I think is to say a prayer for your future and work on yourself in the meantime. That's my plan.

super hot article. I actually made me think before my response.... There is so much I would like to say... I am a Black Man, I live in Detroit, MI. I teach High school as and also work as community college faculty. I'm 34. Finished high school, college and grad school.(facebook, LOLOL) anyway... My grandmother is recently widowed and my pops (grandfather) was awe inspiring as a male role model. They made marriage look fun. Pops took her all around the world. She never wanted for anything. He still kissed her when he came in the door from golfing, or hanging with his buddies after 60 years of marriage. On the other hand I have an aunt who is about 78 and she has had the same boyfriend for as long as I can remember. They have been at every reunion together for at least 27 years. I even refer to him as Uncle Don. They have never been married. This is their black love. It was not defined by the status quo or statistics. It is their love and they are black. And they are old. I have another aunt and uncle who are the same way down in Tallulah, LA. Never been married, but when I see my baby pictures, “Uncle Albert” is right in there smiling….never married my aunt. Should Uncle Don and Uncle Albert marry my aunts? I don’t know…..have their relationships been canonical, in that, they have with stood the test of time? Yes. These relationships have lasted longer than many marriages. Contrary to popular belief, marriages don’t guarantee monogamy either….I will NOT elaborate….but just know it doesn’t!! I don’t think black women who have certain expectations are finishing last. I think communication is essential in prosperous relationships. A young woman who is pretty, educated and single can tell a potential mate her requirements because some men just don’t know about courting, dating, romance, ya ya ya….. If he is worth your time he will accommodate your desires and needs. Every man does not want to be married. Nor does every woman want to be married. I totally understand the institution of marriage, but I cannot stand the idea of what women think it will do or guarantee. I don’t trust the Census. who were the 45% of black women that have never been married, how do we gage that percentage? What black women did they poll? Where is the sample? Who was sampled? Why is the "white woman" sample so small and they are almost 40% of the population? Black women are 6% of the U.S. population! I don’t trust much of anything as it relates to white people and their information about blacks or any other "of color" population (notice I didn't say "minority") Although “Black in a America 2” was on CNN, we have to look at the source…CNN. Rarely am I impressed by mainstream assimilated black documentaries, but who am I to impress? We control our destiny and I think in this day and age of Barrack and Michelle, it is cool as a woman to say to a potential mate, “if you want to date me a, b, and c need to happen…” if the dude loves you or believes in what you’re doing, a, b, and c will happen. Also, communication is essential before giving up the goods (sex) because getting the goods too soon, to me, means less work, unless I really like you. No movies, no rock climbing, no boat rides, Definitely no Fridays….in the words of the late Christopher Wallace “I know you used slow cd’s and Don P’s but tonight its 8 tracks and 6 packs while I hit that.” So be careful. From a 7mile Detroit (urban, inner city), perspective based on my sewn royal oats “I don’t want no relationship” was my quote especially if I got the goods. I don’t really need one at that point. Which leads us to…… I have swagger thru the roof and I have had it for a long time. I am handsome and sometimes I still get carded when I buy liquor. I have a great body and I don’t have children. The status quo deems me “successful” based on my living quarters, my modes (plural) of transportation, and my formal education. I know its all material and it means very little to me to have it, but there are many women who love it. Its like they want to bang my “success”. As a man, I have taken full advantage of women thinking what life could be for them with a man like me but a “spiritual advisor” was like “how many women do you think you can sleep with? And what will it amount to?” For this to be answered I had to be real with myself. I am getting old and I want a wife then a baby and that’s what came to fruition for me. I don’t want to be 50 in a club, with a nice car banging 20 year olds; I want to be at home with my kids…coaching them in a sport/academic of their choice, for this is my investment for our future, my insurance of tradition and heritage…. I don’t believe good girl values have to change but they do need to be upgraded. To exemplify this “upgrade” metaphorically i.e.: I love record players and the nostalgic sound of records, but I can’t play them in my car. What can I do when I want to listen to that song on that record in my car? Another song I like is on another record. I want to listen to both of these songs consecutively….I should upgrade my technology. I can put these 2 songs from these 2 different records onto my IPOD, and plug my IPOD up in my car!!!! Not only do I have the songs I like, I have them in a better quality sound and I don’t have to giant 12 inch disks taking up space in my car and I can take the songs everywhere I want to them to go!! They are the same old songs but they’ve technology is upgraded. You can remain a good girl with good girl qualities, you have to change with the times...peace

Great job Geneva! You have stated the obvious so eloquently that I hope it encourages male and female 20 and 30-somethings to wake up. Change starts with us. Yes, these alarming statistics about divorce rates and single parent households exist in the Black community, but we are the people that contribute to the statisics. To Mr. FAMU, The history of marriage begins with Adam and Eve in Genesis. Some people fail to read and understand the process (Gen. 2:15-23) that Adam underwent prior to receiving Eve. As one pastor contended, Adam was given a word, wisdom, work, and then the woman. Ladies, let's face it some of the men out here "having a good time" are not ready to develop and sustain healthy marriages. Similarly, some women have a lot of work to do, too. My prayer is that single people everywhere are ready when their time comes to be married. It is not something to be taken lightly. Believe me the wedding day is the easy part!

Preach, sister! I challenge every black woman to evaluate themselves & the partners they choose. Settling for mediocrity seems to be the only option for young, ambitious sistas. Unfortunately, it will be their demise. "I can do bad all by myself"!

Stumbled across this, pleasantly surprised to hear a familiar, powerful voice from MSU. Congratulations, Geneva. Right on/write on...

The statistics are shocking, the stakes are undoubtedly substantial, it is challenging to speak about and even more difficult to do something about it. Technologies, counselling, communication... each of them compete with human nature. Plus each scenario is unique.