Making Time For Love: What Michelle and Barack Obama Know About Balancing Love and Careers

According to a recent Time Magazine article, Michelle Obama made it clear to her husband that she would work hard on his presidential campaign, but not at the expense of their family life.  So when Michelle is traveling the country giving speeches and attending events, she leaves her mother to watch the two children and she tries not to stay away more than one night at a stretch.

When Obama introduces his wife on stage, he often refers to her as "my rock," because he admits that she keeps him focused and grounded.  However, Michelle refers to that effort as simply -- "Keeping Him Real."  She does this by making sure Barack travels home to attend family events, ballet recitals and parent-teacher meetings with her. Michelle even went the extra mile and purchased two MacBook laptops for Barack so he and the children can have video chats over the internet.

The month of February was very stressful for Barack, but on Valentine's Day Michelle made sure Barack's schedule was cleared so he could be home in Chicago with her and their two daughters. Apparently the Obamas have learned that a strong team is greater than its individual parts.

What team building tools do the Obamas use?  What does it take to make a dual career couple maintain and build a strong team together, during stressful challenging times? 

Usually these couples share a mutual vision, and they have complementary talents and temperaments. A careful balance of time, space, energy also brings out the best in these partners. But a true indication of a healthy creative partnership is the ability to get over painful things, manage conflict and make time for relaxation and romance. I suspect Michelle and Barack Obama know very well how to tip the balance to the side of positivity. In other words, they know what the rest of us need to know about balancing one's love life and supporting each other.

The Obama's must know these four major areas to keep their career aspirations and love life together.  They are:

1. Emotional Bargaining -- The art of uninhibited exchange of feelings
2. Managing Conflict Management -- Learning to think win/win not win/loose with each other.
3. Constructive Anger -- Be more open and honest without attacking the other person.
4. Making time for romance and relaxation and playfulness.

Chapman's Formula for Compassion

Moving from hostile conflict to expressing connection with compassion takes time and effort, but it's well worth it.  When ever sisters and brothers employ compassionate expression, they are better able to bypass blame and shame and start on the positive, constructive work that leads to true connection.

We've all been on the hostile end of a situation.  And we've all picked the wrong time to bring up an important issue, so that a small squabble blows up into a genuine crisis.  Here's a simple strategy designed to keep you from heading down a dead-end and help you move instead toward a resolution bought about through compassionate expression.  Whenever a situation threatens to get out of hand, consider the "3 C's":

Calm the Crisis

Once an argument starts, it can escalate to the point where we activate the negative coping mechanisms we are accustomed to using.  The "time out/time in" technique used to discipline children can be useful when adults are embroiled in an out-of-control confrontation.  Take a walk, listen to music, do deep breathing, even watch the news on television.  It doesn't matter what the activity is, as long it is agreeable to both parties.

Correct the Course

The next important point is to make sure that you communicate whatever is on your mind in a way that doesn't make your partner defensive and land the two of you right back at square one, in crisis.  I recommend a technique I call the Chapman Sugar Pill.

Hold back the real issue, which might be a bitter pill for your partner to swallow.  Sugarcoat it by first acknowledging whatever is good and positive between you.  People find it much easier to take in criticism whenever it follows positive statements.  Then, when you do get down to the essence of whatever you want to talk about, make sure that you precede every statement with I instead of you.  Starting a statement with you, as in "you always make me wait for you," suggests you're about to launch a direct attack.  Finally, close your statement by telling your partner how much you value the relationship and why you want it to work.

Communicate and Connect

An open channel of communication keeps you functioning as a couple.  Once you have managed the Sugar Pill technique, you want to keep the atmosphere friendly enough so that you can activate the technique whenever necessary. Do everything you can to keep the vibe comfortable then make time for romance.