Could It Be The Thrill Is Gone? If So You Have Marriage Burnout

He came in to the office to see me, he looked weary, upset and confused about how his 25-year-old marriage was no longer an inspiration to him.  This 56-year-old man, a criminal lawyer with two adult children in college, had never sought counseling before but was now feeling desperate for answers to his troubled relationship.  In most of these mid-life marriages there are no loud outbursts of anger or physical conflict, just quiet, polite emptiness.  In this situation this man reported, "there were no big arguments, huge areas of hostility just a lack of intimate tension and closeness."  He noticed sometime ago that the "thrill was gone."

What really destroys romantic energy?  It's not the presence of conflict that causes the relationship to die, it's the lack of intimacy, closeness and romance.  According to the marital work reported by Jacobson and Margolin (1979), when marriages start off, happy newlyweds are highly reinforcing of one another, validating each other in meaningful and loving ways.  As couples move on in years, if each individual does the work of strengthening the connection and reinforce each other's self esteem their will be less erosion over time.  "Reinforcement erosion" is the source of marital dysfunction and divorce. 

During courtship individuals find many things their partner does positive, exciting, and gratifying.  After a while however, the intense glow fades and the partner has less interest in making the other person feel good.  After a while the couple talk less, share less, make love less and laugh less.  They are no longer romantic and both partners begin criticizing each other and only pointing out the negatives.

After about 15 years into a marriage many couples report less communication, less playfulness, more mundane conversations that just don't keep them intimately connected.  When a local minister called my office requesting that I develop and conduct a couples retreat, "Romancing the Stone," to help individuals restore their dying romantic ties, a red light went off in my head."  I thought, wouldn't it be great if couples could attend a "love makeover" weekend that would provide them with basic tools for love efficiency.

As I thought about the man who arrived in my office months ago and how he could have benefited from such a retreat, I felt motivated to offer him other ways to keep love alive.  Our culture focuses a lot on finding love but not on ways to cultivate and keep the love you find.

How to Rekindle the Flames

It's all about being more engaging, playful, physically available, touching tenderly and teasing each other.  It is about creating "date night" to open up and share new ideas and feelings.  This is vital because intimate self-disclosure allows each partner to "see that the other is" emotionally available.  For most couples you can begin to rekindle your emotional connections through walks together, dance classes, couples retreats, joining a gym or watching movies (after the children are asleep).  To determine if your relationship has lost its spark, ask yourself and partner the following questions:

1. Can we identify a way to be together that is satisfactory to both?

2. What are the emotional needs that must be negotiated between us?

3. When disconnect occurs between us, how will we reconnect in a way that restores love and intimacy?

There are four basic features of intimacy.  Share and discuss them with your partner, then put these features to practice.

These are the features that indicate intimacy:

1. The presence of love and affection exist when individuals are aware that they are loved and liked, the risk associated with self expression decreases and the individuals become more willing to open and share their ideas and feelings.

2. The second component of intimacy involves personal validation.  One of the most exhilarating features of a loving relationship is the knowledge that someone loves, understands and approves of you.

3. A third element of intimacy is trust.  People have to know it is safe to disclose personal secrets.  They have to be assured that their disclosure will remain confidential and their inner selves will not be laid bare before an uncaring world.

4. A fourth ingredient of intimacy is self disclosure.  An intimate relationship cannot exist if the participants refuse to reveal parts of themselves. Self-disclosure encourages love, liking, caring, trust, and understanding.  The level of intimacy reached within a given relationship seems to depend on the kind of information disclosed.

So the prescription to keeping love alive is being more intimate.  If you want to stay in your relationship for a long time, consider making responsible and lasting changes that enhance the capacity for genuine closeness for the long haul. This is the best love insurance you will ever have to keep love alive.